ooo i wish i have recent pictures of myself/us. its been awhile since i posted any images up, i know. its odd to take vanity pictures. completely different from life perspective. harharhar. well i'll try. anyway, wassup orang brunei? sir E, you havent replied any of my emails for a long time. everything alright there, in the office?

well, i'm currently at the library, doing some work, after work. hahahaha. yeah, funny, i know. might as well since i can do my homework here in a conducive environment. my schedule's really packed these few weeks. people have been trying to get a hold of me, to no avail. so sorry about that, especially the family. my phone battery died and whatnot. the timing's just not right. well hopefully this weekend will be better. i should be free-er by then. hopefully.

so far so good. i'm enjoying my classes. finally, something to challenge the mind. i remember being bored out of my mind last semester. its a different kind of thinking. and i realized i kinda suck at arithmetic. well, kind is underrated. my brainpower has shifted to more abstract stuff. mauahauhaua. i still can't say much about engineering classes because we haven't really gotten down and dirty yet, but its coming on really quick. circuits, gates, bits and stuff. i like, i like. though i think i'm more of a software person than a hardware person. but who knows. we'll see.

so school is cool. the house is cool too, though i'm not really home most of the time because of school. but the girls are getting into a tighter knit group though. so that's awesome. i hope we'll all still be 'sisters' after this year. so yeah.

fun- wise, i've got a good balance. been hanging out with friends and dancing and stuff. mostly practice though, because we have shows coming up. i wonder if i've said this too many times. heheh. anyway, i'm pretty well off. winter's here. the temperature's not dropping much anymore after this, thank goodness.

more next time.

~nana

well, i didn't realize there were quite a few comments posted on my last post. i apologize for not keeping up to date, but there are just so many 'significant' web links i have to click everyday. i'm beginning to wonder if i'm super nerdy happy to get sucked into this vortex of digitalized life or if i'm complaining about the hassle of this juggling act.

needless to say, the first week went pretty well. i started studying pronto and did most of the homework once they were posted up. my friend Elena said i'm so gungho, but i'm really just trying to prevent falling behind because i really don't want to drop any of my courses. so yes, i'm taking on an unnatural load and combination of courses and was advised to drop one of them, but i'll see how it goes midway into semester. i know what i'm getting myself into.

i watched Cloverfield with some friends last night. it was good for up to 15 min, when i started gagging. bloody handycam documentaries are not good for me. and i wasn't the only one who got motion sickness. albeit i have a more sensitized reaction, but the other girls weren't ok till about half the movie. the boys, of course, thought they were watching a counterstrike mode alien movie. o well. at least i managed to restrain myself and i didn't puke at all. though i did bruise my left thumb from rubbing my chest throught the whole movie. yeah trying not to puke distracted me from the pain of too much friction. that bad. i must say if the movie was better filmed, ie not as shaky, i'd say it was really good. the plot is there, the characters are interesting.

oh i'm quite excited about breakdancing (yes i'm still bboying) because we have several shows coming up and we're practicing our routines now. its tough, but oh so awesome. people would say our moves are dangerous. and they somewhat are but they're so cool to watch and do. heheheh. more on that next time.

did i mention i'm the only girl in all my discussion sections? yes, i am. boy to girl ratio is 15:1. how lucky i am.

blah. such a touchy feely pastel title for a blog post.

anyway. today was the first day o spring semester and it was very very cold. windchill was 4 deg Fahrenheit by the time i got back around 6.30pm. suffice to say, it was a very cold day today. classes were interesting. new professors, new faces, new stuff to learn. at least i wasn't wandering around not knowing which buildings were which. yeah, i had that upperhand. pfffttt.

still, the textbook prices dropped a bomb on me. one course = one textbook = average of $130. and i have 4 courses this semester. i never really thought about it but i had to cough up my own money just for books and stationary. per semester. its soooooo expensuv here, dahlings. besides that, there are so much more readings this semester, like omigod, like i'm so overwhelmed right now, like omigod. yeah, who would've thought that technical electives required more readings than humanities or arts courses. i already have a lot of things to read up on, online and offline.

what i'm pretty amazed is the use of websites as the main reference for our classes. most of the courses here has its own website that the students can/must refer to for syllabus, homework, grades, etc It the THE bible of of every course. i'm just amazed. if only classes back home were this efficient, a lot of people would be able to attain knowledge and study from home/work etc. its just really convenient and efficient. online studying. yeh baybeh.

but that means i have more things to read on top of my textbooks, notes and supplemental readings. pfffffftttt.

so, it was interesting, from a different perpective.

its gna be a busy term, indeed.

I had a dream last night. It stirred up past memories, memories that i have tried to forget ever since. Memories that make me feel sad every time i think of them. I dreamt about a guy i used to know. This guy was the guy that i wanted to end up with, the guy that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I've tried for the last 4 months to forget about him, to forget about everything that we had, everything that we once shared. I've had 4 months to forget about the movie dates, the coffee dates, and the random meetings at random hours. The dream woke up all these dormant memories. and i hate it. I dislike the past. I prefer thinking of the present and the future, instead of thinking back about what has already happened and i can't change. I wish i could travel back in time, and change some decisions i made, decisions that i now regret making.

Basically, in the dream, the guy asked me to go back together with him. He told me that he wanted a relationship with me. An open relationship. The kind that we never had. The kind of relationship that i had hoped and prayed for. and in that dream, i felt happy. deliriously happy. happy that my dreams had finally come true. then i woke up. it sucked realizing that it was only a dream, and that it will never, ever happen. period.

-freeze@beetoo

first of all, thanks beewon.

secondly, i have tried letting go of the past. i did try. but then when i thought i had finally done it, it comes right back up and slaps me in the face. i was right, and i'm proven right again. so i guess that's that.

i asked for a break. i guess i need time to think.i need time to be alone. i just want to crawl into a small space, and just think. to be honest ( i hate that word now), i want to see how life would be on my own. i barely slept last night, and i woke up after 3 hours of unsettling sleep. i still dont feel better. i though i would feel saner or less muddle headed on a break. do i give up too easily? but that's how i protect myself. i've learned that the best way to protect yourself against hurt is to never let anyone close enough to hurt you.

i do realise that people will wonder what the heck i'm talking about, but that's ok. lets just say that beetoo is in desperate need of comforting chicken and indomee.

freeze@beetoo

no, you do not have a mental illness. the state of questioning your sanity is proof of your sanity. quoted from law and order CI. besides, its just conflict between your ethos and logos. maybe it is just time to re-evaluate your priorities in life.

you've set goals for yourself and you've followed that path truly devoted and convinced, so much so that you've forgotten what you were doing. perhaps it is time to rediscover what makes life worth living, again. do things that you used to do. as corny and wishy washy as this sounds, its really just a re-evaluating process. going back to the start and doing things fresh again.

i know its hard to just start clean, when you're still holding on to so many things at the moment. if only it was as easy as the backspace button, huh? but no, people don't work that way. but if you are determined enough, you know you can achieve that level of awareness. you may think you are a pessimist, but it is a matter of belief. what do you really believe about yourself. and my dear Pisang Dua, there is a distinct line between pessimism and realism. just think about it.

i hope i'm not too preach-y. i know my words of wisdom advice come out a bit stern/judgemental/harsh sometimes, but i mean well. as always, don't be too hard on yourself. give yourself time. you deserve it. okeh?

^^

early warning. beetoo is in a sentimental mood so be aware reading this.

year 2008 is here. a new book to write in,with all those empty pages just waiting to be filled with memories that have yet to happen. i wonder what will happen this year. will it be the same as year 2007? all things considered, last year wasn't exactly sunshine and roses. neither was year 2006. to be honest, the past two years have been the worst years of my life. i wonder whether 2008 will follow the same route as the previous ones. somehow, i have a feeling that it will. is this just me being pessimistic?

sometimes i wonder, is this it? is this really what i worked so hard for? i'm content with what i have and where i am now, but sometimes i just feel that something is missing. but i don't know what. i don't know why i feel so restless sometimes. lets be honest, most of the time. maybe i have a mental illness? i really hope not.

-beetoo@freeze